I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
