I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
