I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
