Swine flu. Run for my life!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
