I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
