If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize