if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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