I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
