Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
