I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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