I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
