Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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