"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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