i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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