It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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