Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
