It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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