didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
