if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
