Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
