You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
