3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
