I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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