It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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