The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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