1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
