WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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