Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
