Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
