I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
