i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
