First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
PANTIES FOUND
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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