we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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