There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
