I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
