He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
