He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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