the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
