Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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