honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
