you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
