I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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