its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
