Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
