All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
