if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
