So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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