My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the day after is always just damage control
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
