He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize