Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
