I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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