Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize