ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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