I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
