Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
