Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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