haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
