Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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